A little while ago, I wrote that people should love like they have never been hurt. It's a bit of a strange statement, when you stop and think about it. One cannot truly experience love, and know love, UNLESS you have been hurt. With hurt, you can realize just what you have, or have lost.

We all do it. Take the people we love for granted, say things that were better left unsaid. We hurt the ones we love. The most amazing thing is that for most, forgiveness is all part of the process.

When i go through my depressive days, I forget just how loved I am. Actually, I don't forget it, it's more like I don't believe it. I just think that I am tolerated, well, because someone needs to tolerate me right? I do exist after all. Many times, I become so insecure, and I search for reinforcement from those around me, and I just can't seem to find the strength on my own. Instead I do one of two things. I either completely shut down, for fear of rejection, or I put my heart out in the open, and look for rejection. It's all or nothing, black and white.
Let me tell you folks, it's awful. It hurts, and in some ways it's all because of LOVE.

Ok, I know you are wondering where I am going with this, so let me explain. The love I am searching for, the one that I need to be able to grasp, the one that I need to love like I have never been hurt before is within me. I need to learn how to love myself. I completely suck at it. I don't understand forgiveness for myself. I am my worst judge and jury.

Amazing isn't it. After all these years, I still struggle with Grace. Not with others though, my goodness, I can forgive the best of the best, and the worst of the worst. I am a big push over. But me, well that is another story. Sad really. And yes, it makes me sad.

There are a few people in my life that I love so much, it does hurt. They are my world, they breath life into me. And yet, I feel so unworthy of the love they try and show me. Let me be brutally honest with you, today, I am hurting like I have loved before, and lost.... This is no ones fault but my own.

Man I just hate days like this....