A little while ago, I wrote that people should love like they have never been hurt. It's a bit of a strange statement, when you stop and think about it. One cannot truly experience love, and know love, UNLESS you have been hurt. With hurt, you can realize just what you have, or have lost.

We all do it. Take the people we love for granted, say things that were better left unsaid. We hurt the ones we love. The most amazing thing is that for most, forgiveness is all part of the process.

When i go through my depressive days, I forget just how loved I am. Actually, I don't forget it, it's more like I don't believe it. I just think that I am tolerated, well, because someone needs to tolerate me right? I do exist after all. Many times, I become so insecure, and I search for reinforcement from those around me, and I just can't seem to find the strength on my own. Instead I do one of two things. I either completely shut down, for fear of rejection, or I put my heart out in the open, and look for rejection. It's all or nothing, black and white.
Let me tell you folks, it's awful. It hurts, and in some ways it's all because of LOVE.

Ok, I know you are wondering where I am going with this, so let me explain. The love I am searching for, the one that I need to be able to grasp, the one that I need to love like I have never been hurt before is within me. I need to learn how to love myself. I completely suck at it. I don't understand forgiveness for myself. I am my worst judge and jury.

Amazing isn't it. After all these years, I still struggle with Grace. Not with others though, my goodness, I can forgive the best of the best, and the worst of the worst. I am a big push over. But me, well that is another story. Sad really. And yes, it makes me sad.

There are a few people in my life that I love so much, it does hurt. They are my world, they breath life into me. And yet, I feel so unworthy of the love they try and show me. Let me be brutally honest with you, today, I am hurting like I have loved before, and lost.... This is no ones fault but my own.

Man I just hate days like this....

My sister is very sick. They can't get her to eat, they have her on pain killers, she won't drink, and she won't let anyone touch her. My Mom, she is very upset.
My heart is broken

A great big Sigh, and a smile

MAD is over. That's right, Motorcycle Appreciation Day was yesterday, and now the crew can relax a little. To be completely honest with you, I did not have the proper attitude this year when it came to organizing it. I did not get into it with the idea of saying thanks to all the bikers. I struggled, viewing it as "something else " to do. I felt that I had too much crap on my plate, and alot of times, I felt like I was crumbling.

Now, yesterday, that was a different thing. When I saw just how many people showed up, I was in awe. I'm sure this year was another record breaker. I even had a dude come to me at about 7pm to ask if we were done. He was disappointed when I told him it was over. lol I listened to the people, I talked with them, I laughed. People were happy. Some have come every single year.

The best ( and sometimes worst ) part, you ask? So many of them know me by name. Hey Chantal! How's it going? What new? -lol! They go into great stories, tell me about their trips, their children, grand-children, and some even share the sorrows they have had. And I listen, and struggle to remember their names.

As for the people at Biker's Church... I applaud you all. Everyone worked so hard and so well together, It was as smooth as butter. I was, and am proud, to have worn the white shirt. I am blessed to be in such a committed, and loving circle.

One other thing, and it's the biggie here! Many people ( and I mean many) came to me with questions, because they couldn't figure us out. Why do you do this?, How do you do this?, ok, so what's your real deal here? " you guys are awesome, but you don't make sense"? I was able to answer, in a very typical Chantal way... And that just furthered the conversation.

The best question I got yesterday? The #1 all time, super duper, big grin, happy, giggle question? " I have got to see this for myself, so... What time does your service start on Thursday night????"

Be proud everyone, relax, enjoy today, and know that God is preparing another burnout pit, for those who have yet to meet him....

I am crack....

I woke up this morning, rolled over, and could not believe it was time to start my day. How could I possibly face it, the way that I felt. That's right, I feel like total crap. Yet I did exactly what I always do. I got up, got ready and was out of the house by 7 ish to get to work.

No one ever took the time to explain to me that as an adult, the world will stop spinning if I decide to take care of myself. That somehow, all of my clients will crumble without my constant support. No one told me, that I was responsible for EVERYTHING...

That's right folks, in my mind, it is all my responsibility. Silly isn't it. No one can do it better than me, they need me, what would happen if..... The world it seems keeps turning, and even more impressive, it keeps moving forward without me.

How egotistical, and even narcissistic of me. I put so much pressure on myself to ALWAYS do the right thing. The thing is, most people don't really give a rats ass either way. Client will be served, work will get done, and I will continue to crash if I don't stop this within myself. I worry, I fret, I crash, and I get very sick, and to be honest, it's all because of the way that I think. How very super-ego of me. ( I need to find a little more ID in me -lol )

The thing is, that because I am this way, I end up not being as productive where it counts. With the people I love. They see me struggle, and nothing they say sinks in. They worry about me, and this in turn causes me to sometimes get worse. They get the crack cocaine of my behavior. you know what I mean eh? The good stuff, the "coke" is reserved for those that I'm paid by, the rest, they get the residual, left over, and loaded with crap rejects. Oven cleaner anyone?

What a sad statement, because, first of all, I am associating my thoughts, feeling, and behaviors with a drug that destroy, and kills. Secondly, the analogy fits. I put all of my energy into trivial things.

My loves ones, deserve so much more, and in this statement I am perfectly right in saying that ONLY I can make a difference to them.

This is the one area that needs to be reversed in my head. To those of you that I love, and you know who you are, I make a promise to you. I plan on continuing my journey, and will always strive to keep you in first place! You are all my golds!

Goodbye Mr.Kokanee Ranger... Sir.

I just heard the news, and to be honest, I am terribly distraught. They killed off the Kokanee Ranger. Yeah, Yeah, I know, I voted to kill him, but only because John told me to. Secretly I went back in, and voted again, because I did want to see him live. He was a fine man, and he will be remembered always! Farewell Mr.Kokanee Ranger! You did us proud.

Attached is the article of his untimely death.....

An era is over. The people of Western Canada have voted to Kill Off the Kokanee Ranger. It was a long and vigorous campaign that had hundreds of thousands of votes cast. Voting was extended to multiple locations, giving as many people as possible the chance to influence the outcome.

Throughout the summer, votes were being collected at dozens of Glacier Girls parties, through urinal vote counters in bars across Western Canada, and on Heavy.com, where Sasquatch’s Kill Off video had over 600,000 views.

A Kokanee spokesperson expressed mixed feelings about the vote results. "Of course we're sad to see the Ranger go, but the public has spoken, and we're excited about new possibilities and directions." And when asked about the future of Kokanee advertising, they had this to say, "We want to keep things fun and true to the spirit of the beer. One thing is for sure, Kokanee will continue to be all about the great mountain lifestyle of Western Canada."

See more at http://www.rangerliveordie.ca/blog/

Jo

I have a severely disabled Sister. Joanne is 50 years old, and has been in a residential facility for 49 of those years. My parents have always been very active in her life, but they are aging, and not as able to do the things they use to for her. This responsibility is now falling, in part, on me.

Joanne was rushed to the infirmary last Sunday night, in utter pain. Now, first I must make this clear, the ONLY way that my sister shows pain, is by pulling one of her legs up to her stomach. Joanne does not cry, she has never shed a single tear. Jo does not cry out in pain. She cannot communicate the same way you and I do. You have to know Jo, to know that something is wrong.

Anyways, long story short, she has gallstones. One is the size of a golf ball, and then there are also many many more. She was sent for testing, and the Doctor caring for her, tried to get her into surgery ASAP. " Give her antibiotics first for the infection around the gallbladder" is what the hospital said. The Doctor did. Jo responded a little, because the infection was leaving.

Here is the kicker. The Hospital is now saying that Jo needs to be put on a waiting list for surgery. 2 months minimum. Joanne's pain is "not acute enough". Dr.Hamilton, the physician caring for my sister is upset and concerned. She is taking it upon herself to write to the hospital weekly to express her concern for Jo. She is trying to get Jo into surgery as soon as possible.

My sister, cannot walk, talk, feed herself, go to the bathroom, bath herself. My sister needs total care, 24/7, she cannot chew so everything is pureed. She cannot drink liquid, so ever her water has additives in order to solidify it.

My Sister needs surgery, but because she does not express discomfort and pain the same way you and I do, she will wait.

Let's face it, I'm sure that some of you are sitting here thinking " What kind of quality of life does she really have". People have even told me " she would be better off dead". Perhaps that is right, she would be, because she would be in the arms of God. BUT, she is not dead. She is alive, and currently hurting. She is still a valued human being, and she is loved so very much. Joanne deserves the same quality of care as we do. Holy crap, I just realized that I could go on and on, and on here. I'm going to stop.

All I can say is that my sister is hurting, and there is nothing more terrible than knowing she is and I can't do anything about it. Second to that, i now have to tell my Mom the news....

Pray for Jo please.....
And maybe say a little prayer for me and my family....

Remembering someone who was forgotten

Yeah, I know! It's been a few days since I wrote, but hey! Life happens right. Most of you already know what I do for a living. I am a welfare worker ( social assistance as it is now known). I am fortunate enough, to have a specialty case load where all of my client's are either substance users, or on the road I hear. the horrors that these people go through.

There are times that I become so frustrated at my inability to assist in the way they may need it. What it boils down to, is that they have to be willing to work on it themselves. They need to
to find hope from within, and then they will be able to accept the help that is offered.

For some, I wonder if they will make it to 2009. I fear one or two may not.

I had this one individual, who was an alcoholic. He was living on the streets, and had been for some time. Finally after months of effort, we managed to get him into subsidized housing. It was then that he started to focus on recovery. Small steps is what we used. little accomplishments that went so very far to improve the quality of his life. I imagine, after years of sleeping outside, having a bed, a shower, a roof. He was on his way.
We had an appointment, and he called to re-schedule because he was not feeling well. No problem I said, come in on Thursday.

Thursday came, but he did not. In fact, his ex-girlfriend came to the office instead. this person had passed on. Pneumonia! His ex was the only one who was willing to make the arrangements. His family refused because they felt that his life was a waste of time. They had no idea that he had started a journey. It was only when I told his ex that he had begun to work on his issues, that she cried. She brought the info to his brothers and sisters. They had no clue.

You know what I fear most in life? Is that something happens, I get sick, I lose it somehow, and people will give up on me. Then I lose total hope.

This client I had, made an impression on me. he died the same day we were to meet. He called to tell me he would not be in. He was courteous enough to take the time. I vowed on that day, that someone would always remember him. He made a difference in my life, and I am grateful that I met him!

I'm still remembering Phil! May you be celebrating, dancing, healthy, and know that you made a difference to me!

Love like you've never been hurt

Hi all!

We made it back, safe and sound! 4Provinces in 4 days. We rode the tidal bore in Truro , NS. What a blast! I would strongly encourage everyone to do it once! 15 hours there and 15 back. Many, many stories to hang onto. PEI is beautiful. So many eagles.

Today, someone told me that they would love to have my life! LOL! What do you say to that? Is my life more exciting than the average person? Nope!. But, I do have a life that is more than just the 9 to 5, can't wait for retirement or death.

I love to live as if every moment is an adventure. Every experience can becomes a story to tell, something to learn. There are days where that attitude is seriously lacking in me, but it is always something I strive for. What else are we to do, but experience. We might as well try to enjoy as much of it as we can, because you and I both know that in any given moment, it can be gone.

What is that saying? Is it " Love like you've never been hurt"? What a great motto to live by, because without risk, we never live, without hurt, we never learn the meaning of love. Without God, we never truly experience life.

So, take the risk, whether it be to do a road trip, swing on a swing, or tell someone how much you love them. That is where the excitement comes in... you may get hurt, or you may just get the experience of a lifetime!