Today is a good day to die.

Today is a good day to die. That seems to be the on-going thought in my head as the day progresses. Now before anyone starts to think that I am suicidal, or depressed, I will tell you with absolute certainty that I am not. I have not had a fight with my spouse. As a matter of fact, I was laughing this morning, and when asked why, the only response I could think of is that I am happy. I've just been reminiscing over my life this morning. That's what happens when I am alone. I think. Alot!

My mind seems to go in it's own direction from time to time, and I review things that have happened, travels I have taken, and memories I have accumulated. Most are fun to revisit. I enjoy thinking back to the happy days, and smiling at the things that have occurred. The birth of my son, and even my grand-son, elicits the same joy and pride that I felt on the day they were born.

So then, why do I have this morose comment "Today is a good day to die" in my thoughts? Well, to put it simply, I have lived well. I have experienced so much, and am grateful for each and every moment, experience, emotion and love that I have encountered. When I look back over everything, I have no regrets.

Sure, that is really easy to say, but to mean it, well, sometimes it can take a little more work. I've been thinking about my first love, and how in that time of adolescence, I had romanticized everything. Happy ever after, a love you find in the story books. Well, reality sets in, and before you know it, your world crashes down. From that moment on, the experience lives with you. The hurt that you feel, carries on. You use it as your guideline for the next risk you take.

You do get over it, and as you get older, rational thought moves in to soften the blow. Maturity does that to you. As you age, caution sets in, and you are not as quick to give your heart. You test people more, you learn to trust, and when you are satisfied, you eventually give them a little more of yourself.

Ahhh, the perfect world. A place that love never fails, joy is always on your side, and pain does not ever enter the picture. POP! There goes the bubble. Reality is, this place, just doesn't exist. So why do we as humans, continue to search for this unrealistic reality. Again, the answer is so simple. We want to be loved. We want to love. We need to love. Without it, what do we really have?

Many things can happen in one's life that eventually shakes the foundation that we have built. Words, carelessly thrown out, can cause irreversible damage. And yet, we forgive. The funny thing is, that for me, those words, although forgiven, are never forgotten. I do try, but they always seems to be the ghost of my thoughts, easily brought back to the surface to haunt. If anybody knows how to forget ( without suggesting a lobotomy of course ), then please let me know.

A simply misguided comment can completely alter the course of your life. It can forever change the way you perceive people, and even yourself. As a matter of fact, it can take years for some to truly forgive those comments, if ever. I am guilty of this struggle. I have forgiven, but it was difficult to view things as they were anymore. My thoughts and beliefs had been redirected as a result of careless comments. In essence, things changed and now I was working on a new reality.

So again I asked myself, why continue to take the chance? Why should I expose myself to the potential of hurt and pain? Why haven't I just shut down, and coast through life taking whatever comes? Because Love, is worth the risk. I have experienced love in the way that everyone searches. There is nothing like knowing that the person you are with, loves you completely. There is nothing like loving someone with your total being.

Sure the love of which I speak is fleeting. It occurs in a matter of seconds, and then the world comes back into play, but in those brief moments you are complete. The universe itself, cannot separate you from the moment. It is yours to share with only one. Together, nothing else exists.

And so, if, God forbid, today was the day that I was to meet my maker, I would be able to confidently walk forward to Him. I would be able to declare that my life, was worth it all. No regrets. The heartbreaks, although awful to experience, are a direct result of the fact that I have loved and trusted another. They are the reminders of something shared in intimacy.

Life, and people change. They move on, grow apart, are separated by death, divorce or necessity.Some work it out, prosper, and reconnect. We must remember that People fail. But once over the initial response, we need to stop and look at WHY we get so upset. It is because we have experienced pure love, and we just don't ever want to give it up. Yes, others fail us, but WE fail them as well. It is inevitable.

It saddens me to think that change occurs, but I still jump in with both feet, blind and bound, because the rewards are so much greater than the risks. Oh, and one last thing, those careless words that we have all heard, are sometimes the cause of even greater love to occur. Sometimes, those hurts lead you in a new direction, that bring you closer, teach you to appreciate, and lead you to discover a whole new reality.

My life is good.

With a new beginning, comes a rediscovery

Have you ever noticed how, when one thing ends, another just begins?

I'm scheduled for a Hysterectomy on April 23rd. I am very scared, but have to admit that the idea of continuing with the constant pain that I have now, is even more frightening.
My life, for the last several years, seems to have been one issue after another. Depression, pain, discomfort, fear, anxiety, and a whole bunch of other stressful, and life changing situations.

As a result of all of this, I cannot say that I have been "at my best" for a long, long time. Yet, today, I am encouraged. Let me tell ya why.

In two weeks, I will have surgery, then spend time recovering. I am going to take that time to recover from the procedure. I am also going to take the time, to recover from the last few years.

Somewhere, along the way, I lost myself. I miss the "old" Chantal. The carefree, independent and strong women I once was. I was always energetic, almost to annoyance. I loved to laugh and play. I loved people. Yes, I was a flirt too. Man, I miss those days.

Today, I am looking forward to rediscovering her. I do not plan to stay in this state of ill health. I hate feeling weak, unable to do things. I despise the idea that I am holding others back. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, confident of my own strength.

So here are my post surgery plans:
I will be going back to the gym. I plan on keeping myself healthy

I want to jump out of a plane. Why? Well, because I saw my best friend take the plunge, and have to admit I admire her so much for it. She made it look amazing, and made me realize that I too need to shake things up in my life

I am going to do cartwheels. Ok, so I probably will not be graceful, but who cares

I am going to climb a rock wall, to prove to myself that I can do it again.

I am also going to take chances, to let people know that I love them, and appreciate them every single day.

I am going to laugh, hopefully so hard, that I tear up. Life is far too short to stop playing.

I am going to love, because I believe that even if there is pain, I would rather spend my life having known and experienced love, than to spend the rest of my life afraid of getting hurt.

I will do my best to stop worrying, and to enjoy the moment. Let's face it, it's all we have.

I guess the "old" Chantal is already starting to return.

Yeaaaa me!

Been awhile.....

Yes, it has been a while, some things have changed, and some haven't. Still me, still cry for no reason, and still love a good laugh. I wanted to post incredible words of wisdom here, but to be honest, someone has already said it for me. Yeah, accuse me of cutting and pasting, but hey, if the word fits........
I stumbled upon this just a few seconds ago and it perfectly describes what has been swirling in my head . The only difference between this and me, is that the author had found resolution, I was still in the thinking stage. Yup, got kicked in the ass. You can read it here or see it for yourself at

http://etresoi.ch/Denis/badthings.html

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

Actually there is a book by the name "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." No one here has read it. Of course, we don't need to, because we already know why:

There is no such thing as Justice

It is an illusion. A myth. A fairy tale. Life really isn't fair. The question is, why do you think it's supposed to be? Who started that idea? Job? The people who tried to put a good face on beating people up by inventing the Queensbury Rules? I don't know.

Justice sounds like a good idea because it sort of equalizes the pain. I get hurt, so you get hurt in return. Well there's more ocean than land, more mice than mouse traps, and more salesmen than prophets. Things just aren't meant to be equal. Suffering and happiness are not weights in a cosmic scale of blind justice. The relative proportions are completely unpredictable.

Tragedy may be unequal, but it isn't random. Yes, there is a meaning. Bad things usually happen to forcefully slap us out of whatever stupor we are in at the time. We are supposed to start questioning our beliefs. We are supposed to figure out what is and what is not important to us. People usually don't change unless they feel sufficient pain to overcome their natural resistance to change. Change takes energy. Nothing energizes like tragedy. What suffering is usually supposed to encourage us to do is figure out how to avoid suffering in the future. Learn what happy people do and imitate them

If tragedy seems random and cruel now, it isn't. You're just not wanting to look at the facts.

Of course, if people don't get the hint and continue to imitate deer staring into the headlights of destiny, well, that's their lookout. Do not get mad at me/God/the universe. Do what you're supposed to do, pick your ass up off the ground and try again. Nobody likes a crybaby.

You can't get out of it by going limp and giving up. That usually makes it worse. Athletes must tolerate a certain level of pain to reach their goals. You are no different.

As for the injustice of loved ones getting killed, etc., that has its own purpose. Don't ask unanswerable questions about other people; you've got enough to worry about with your own situation. If you get tragically killed, then you'll understand. Until then, forget it.

I have been criticized about the callous nature of this page. For people who have recently lost family members, etc., this little diatribe can sting. However, the message is still true even for them. Life is very unfair, but like chemotherapy, it does the job.