I woke up this morning, rolled over, and could not believe it was time to start my day. How could I possibly face it, the way that I felt. That's right, I feel like total crap. Yet I did exactly what I always do. I got up, got ready and was out of the house by 7 ish to get to work.
No one ever took the time to explain to me that as an adult, the world will stop spinning if I decide to take care of myself. That somehow, all of my clients will crumble without my constant support. No one told me, that I was responsible for EVERYTHING...
That's right folks, in my mind, it is all my responsibility. Silly isn't it. No one can do it better than me, they need me, what would happen if..... The world it seems keeps turning, and even more impressive, it keeps moving forward without me.
How egotistical, and even narcissistic of me. I put so much pressure on myself to ALWAYS do the right thing. The thing is, most people don't really give a rats ass either way. Client will be served, work will get done, and I will continue to crash if I don't stop this within myself. I worry, I fret, I crash, and I get very sick, and to be honest, it's all because of the way that I think. How very super-ego of me. ( I need to find a little more ID in me -lol )
The thing is, that because I am this way, I end up not being as productive where it counts. With the people I love. They see me struggle, and nothing they say sinks in. They worry about me, and this in turn causes me to sometimes get worse. They get the crack cocaine of my behavior. you know what I mean eh? The good stuff, the "coke" is reserved for those that I'm paid by, the rest, they get the residual, left over, and loaded with crap rejects. Oven cleaner anyone?
What a sad statement, because, first of all, I am associating my thoughts, feeling, and behaviors with a drug that destroy, and kills. Secondly, the analogy fits. I put all of my energy into trivial things.
My loves ones, deserve so much more, and in this statement I am perfectly right in saying that ONLY I can make a difference to them.
This is the one area that needs to be reversed in my head. To those of you that I love, and you know who you are, I make a promise to you. I plan on continuing my journey, and will always strive to keep you in first place! You are all my golds!
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I see and experience the same behavior from my wife. We never know what time she'll be home, and this has been going on for many months. I can't speak for the rest of the family, but I am tired of the BS. She thinks her work rises and falls on her shoulders, "If I don't stay and complete everything it will not get done". I say girl you decide who you're going to give your "crack cocaine" to because I am sick of this. Good for you Chantal that you see this in yourself and that you are willing to give your friends first place.
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