Landon johannes Holladay

I sit here, knowing that I should be asleep, but unable to do so.

We have a beautiful new addition to our family. Landon Johannes Holladay was born at 5:33pm on November 14th, 2008. He weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces. He is gorgeous. Mom and Dad are doing so well.

When we were waiting for his arrival, I was so excited. I could not wait to meet him. Now that he is here, I am in awe. The last time I felt emotion this strong, was when my Josh was born.

I am so proud of my little girl. She was nervous, but she went through it all with a grace and determination that surprised me. She was dilated by 7cm before we even got to the hospital. She laughed and joked around, but then again, Angela is always able to make me laugh.

I'll admit it openly ( because I know that everyone would just mock me if I said otherwise ) but I cried the minute I saw his little head. Wept is probably more like it - lol!

Ohhh, the sneeze. He let out his first little sneeze as I was gazing upon him. More tears and laughter.

Let me just say this, Landon, you are loved. Your family extends not only to those closest to you, but you have a community of people who will be there. The hospital was full of people just waiting to meet you. Not quite sure how the other families, nurses, and doctor's felt about it, but who cares. When we look back over this day, we will laugh, and remember that we started breaking rules for you, before you were 3 hours old. Only 2 at a time, yeah, that didn't work.
I was yelled at by a nurse, because apparently, I was not allowed to leave the room with you. But Grandpa, and Uncle Warrior were waiting to see you. Uncle Rob, and Uncle Scott, snuck in.
Aunt Heather and auntie Christina were already in the room. Aunt Jen was there the whole time.

As you start you new and exciting life, just remember that you will never ever be alone. There are far too many people who love you, to protect you, and to hold you.
As your Grandma ( Nana, Oma, Grand-mama - whatever you decide ) I will spoil you, yet also be there to help show you the way.

Your parents are wonderful. Wait, and you will see! today you will meet your Uncle Josh, who I am sure will become your greatest fan.

Landon, I promise to teach you about God, so that you may grow up knowing in your heart that he is there, and that he loves you!

Now rest little man, for you have a wonderful journey ahead of you!

Love you

The frog was green.

I can remember it as clear as yesterday. We were both sitting on the bed together, just enjoying each others company. All of a sudden, he started telling me, with excitement in his voice, all about the frog that he had seen. He and his Dad had gone for a walk together by the River. The dogs were running around all over the place, it would seem, when he spotted it. This Big, Green Frog.
Oh the excitement in his eyes, as he began to re-tell the whole story so that I could share.
I sat there in complete and total awe. I realized at that very moment, that I was actually having a conversation with him, My boy, My Josh! He was just a baby, and yet, I am having a conversation with him.

He must have been 2 & 1/2 or 3 at that time. Yesterday, he turned 16. Gone are the days of frogs, and riding his bicycle in the living room. He is all grown up, and as such, the spinning wheel of the "price is right" , or doing a little jig with the Fresh Prince of Belair, are simply memories in my mind.

When did it happen ? Where did the time go?

Now, let me tell you a little about Josh today, He is completely obsessed with 3 things, his bicycle ( he has always loved anything on wheels - even rollerskating at 1 year old - yes I have pictures to prove it ) 2) his computer, I am sure that he will be the first volunteer for some sort of implant - lol and 3) Guitar Hero - that is a little like his Mom, he does like games. This is what he does.

This is who Josh is: He is an incredible loving individual, he is strong, yet sensitive, and trustworthy. His laughter, makes me melt, for it reminds me of just how much I love him. Josh has a sarcastic side, that makes me bust a gut. Yeah, I know that I shouldn't laugh, but I just can't help it. He is funny. The boy has a mind, and character all of his own. he is the type of individual who captivates a room, not because he does anything special, but because he is Special. My Boy, My Son, is cool. He doesn't fit in anywhere, but he fits in everywhere.
He finds good in everything, and is still willing to give his old Mom a hug from time to time.

Ok, I'll admit it. the boy has me wrapped around his little finger. He bats his Baby Blues, and I cave. But let me add just one more thing. He was a gift to me. More important than all that I have. I would give anything for Josh, My child. I would rather be accused of loving the man that he has become too much, than to look back and wonder if I should have done more.

I am proud of my son. Of who he is, and for what he will acheive. The Funny thing is, just like the very first conversation I ever had with him, I still sit and listen with awe.
He may have outgrown the training wheels, and sippy cups, but I still look forward to each and everyday with him. Josh was and continues to be the greatest gift God has given me.
I love my Boy.

New beginnings and new endings

Yes, I know that it has been a while. Let's just say that I have been busy.
It would appear that I have something called Adenomyosis. Basically it is a mass inside my uterine wall. I have to admit that it has been a very difficult, and painful process to find out. both physically and emotionally. I've had to fight just to be seen by doctors, gone for tests at the wee hours of the morning, and I am still waiting for more.
Not been a fun place for me the last 2 months.
Saying that, I have been gifted a new found strength. I am not letting it affect me in the same way that I would have in the past. Imagine, a life without depressive feelings. The one thing I realized recently, is that I am no longer depressed. What a feeling. It is so amazing, so wonderful, and if I am lucky, permanent too.
I don't hold to that though. I'm not sure when the dark will return, but today, I am free.
I do have so much to be grateful for. Yes, only a few more weeks until I become a GRANDMA. My daughter is patiently waiting too. My Son will be 16 really soon. When did he grow up?
So much life going on, so many new beginnings.
Hysterectomy, well at this point, I would welcome it with open arms. I'm ready, at 39, to watch my grown children take on their lives. I am blessed, because I am still so young, that I can do everything, and yet old enough to be able to enjoy every accomplishment that my kids experience. I love watching them. They teach me so much.
My time to have children is over. I've known that for a very long time. I am ready to be Grandma, I am ready to be the youngest grandma that some of you know. I am also ready to be the coolest grandma out there!
Adenomyosis, it is painful. VERY painful. It is stopping me from living life to the fullest right now. the cure, is right in front of me. Now it is simply a matter of convincing the Hospitals to do surgery. With my family doctor's help ( and yes, he is a very good doctor ), I'll get there soon enough.
Until then, I think I'll just try and remember how blessed I am.