Saturday, October 17, 2009

Today is a good day to die.

Today is a good day to die. That seems to be the on-going thought in my head as the day progresses. Now before anyone starts to think that I am suicidal, or depressed, I will tell you with absolute certainty that I am not. I have not had a fight with my spouse. As a matter of fact, I was laughing this morning, and when asked why, the only response I could think of is that I am happy. I've just been reminiscing over my life this morning. That's what happens when I am alone. I think. Alot!

My mind seems to go in it's own direction from time to time, and I review things that have happened, travels I have taken, and memories I have accumulated. Most are fun to revisit. I enjoy thinking back to the happy days, and smiling at the things that have occurred. The birth of my son, and even my grand-son, elicits the same joy and pride that I felt on the day they were born.

So then, why do I have this morose comment "Today is a good day to die" in my thoughts? Well, to put it simply, I have lived well. I have experienced so much, and am grateful for each and every moment, experience, emotion and love that I have encountered. When I look back over everything, I have no regrets.

Sure, that is really easy to say, but to mean it, well, sometimes it can take a little more work. I've been thinking about my first love, and how in that time of adolescence, I had romanticized everything. Happy ever after, a love you find in the story books. Well, reality sets in, and before you know it, your world crashes down. From that moment on, the experience lives with you. The hurt that you feel, carries on. You use it as your guideline for the next risk you take.

You do get over it, and as you get older, rational thought moves in to soften the blow. Maturity does that to you. As you age, caution sets in, and you are not as quick to give your heart. You test people more, you learn to trust, and when you are satisfied, you eventually give them a little more of yourself.

Ahhh, the perfect world. A place that love never fails, joy is always on your side, and pain does not ever enter the picture. POP! There goes the bubble. Reality is, this place, just doesn't exist. So why do we as humans, continue to search for this unrealistic reality. Again, the answer is so simple. We want to be loved. We want to love. We need to love. Without it, what do we really have?

Many things can happen in one's life that eventually shakes the foundation that we have built. Words, carelessly thrown out, can cause irreversible damage. And yet, we forgive. The funny thing is, that for me, those words, although forgiven, are never forgotten. I do try, but they always seems to be the ghost of my thoughts, easily brought back to the surface to haunt. If anybody knows how to forget ( without suggesting a lobotomy of course ), then please let me know.

A simply misguided comment can completely alter the course of your life. It can forever change the way you perceive people, and even yourself. As a matter of fact, it can take years for some to truly forgive those comments, if ever. I am guilty of this struggle. I have forgiven, but it was difficult to view things as they were anymore. My thoughts and beliefs had been redirected as a result of careless comments. In essence, things changed and now I was working on a new reality.

So again I asked myself, why continue to take the chance? Why should I expose myself to the potential of hurt and pain? Why haven't I just shut down, and coast through life taking whatever comes? Because Love, is worth the risk. I have experienced love in the way that everyone searches. There is nothing like knowing that the person you are with, loves you completely. There is nothing like loving someone with your total being.

Sure the love of which I speak is fleeting. It occurs in a matter of seconds, and then the world comes back into play, but in those brief moments you are complete. The universe itself, cannot separate you from the moment. It is yours to share with only one. Together, nothing else exists.

And so, if, God forbid, today was the day that I was to meet my maker, I would be able to confidently walk forward to Him. I would be able to declare that my life, was worth it all. No regrets. The heartbreaks, although awful to experience, are a direct result of the fact that I have loved and trusted another. They are the reminders of something shared in intimacy.

Life, and people change. They move on, grow apart, are separated by death, divorce or necessity.Some work it out, prosper, and reconnect. We must remember that People fail. But once over the initial response, we need to stop and look at WHY we get so upset. It is because we have experienced pure love, and we just don't ever want to give it up. Yes, others fail us, but WE fail them as well. It is inevitable.

It saddens me to think that change occurs, but I still jump in with both feet, blind and bound, because the rewards are so much greater than the risks. Oh, and one last thing, those careless words that we have all heard, are sometimes the cause of even greater love to occur. Sometimes, those hurts lead you in a new direction, that bring you closer, teach you to appreciate, and lead you to discover a whole new reality.


My life is good.

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