Today is a good day to die.

Today is a good day to die. That seems to be the on-going thought in my head as the day progresses. Now before anyone starts to think that I am suicidal, or depressed, I will tell you with absolute certainty that I am not. I have not had a fight with my spouse. As a matter of fact, I was laughing this morning, and when asked why, the only response I could think of is that I am happy. I've just been reminiscing over my life this morning. That's what happens when I am alone. I think. Alot!

My mind seems to go in it's own direction from time to time, and I review things that have happened, travels I have taken, and memories I have accumulated. Most are fun to revisit. I enjoy thinking back to the happy days, and smiling at the things that have occurred. The birth of my son, and even my grand-son, elicits the same joy and pride that I felt on the day they were born.

So then, why do I have this morose comment "Today is a good day to die" in my thoughts? Well, to put it simply, I have lived well. I have experienced so much, and am grateful for each and every moment, experience, emotion and love that I have encountered. When I look back over everything, I have no regrets.

Sure, that is really easy to say, but to mean it, well, sometimes it can take a little more work. I've been thinking about my first love, and how in that time of adolescence, I had romanticized everything. Happy ever after, a love you find in the story books. Well, reality sets in, and before you know it, your world crashes down. From that moment on, the experience lives with you. The hurt that you feel, carries on. You use it as your guideline for the next risk you take.

You do get over it, and as you get older, rational thought moves in to soften the blow. Maturity does that to you. As you age, caution sets in, and you are not as quick to give your heart. You test people more, you learn to trust, and when you are satisfied, you eventually give them a little more of yourself.

Ahhh, the perfect world. A place that love never fails, joy is always on your side, and pain does not ever enter the picture. POP! There goes the bubble. Reality is, this place, just doesn't exist. So why do we as humans, continue to search for this unrealistic reality. Again, the answer is so simple. We want to be loved. We want to love. We need to love. Without it, what do we really have?

Many things can happen in one's life that eventually shakes the foundation that we have built. Words, carelessly thrown out, can cause irreversible damage. And yet, we forgive. The funny thing is, that for me, those words, although forgiven, are never forgotten. I do try, but they always seems to be the ghost of my thoughts, easily brought back to the surface to haunt. If anybody knows how to forget ( without suggesting a lobotomy of course ), then please let me know.

A simply misguided comment can completely alter the course of your life. It can forever change the way you perceive people, and even yourself. As a matter of fact, it can take years for some to truly forgive those comments, if ever. I am guilty of this struggle. I have forgiven, but it was difficult to view things as they were anymore. My thoughts and beliefs had been redirected as a result of careless comments. In essence, things changed and now I was working on a new reality.

So again I asked myself, why continue to take the chance? Why should I expose myself to the potential of hurt and pain? Why haven't I just shut down, and coast through life taking whatever comes? Because Love, is worth the risk. I have experienced love in the way that everyone searches. There is nothing like knowing that the person you are with, loves you completely. There is nothing like loving someone with your total being.

Sure the love of which I speak is fleeting. It occurs in a matter of seconds, and then the world comes back into play, but in those brief moments you are complete. The universe itself, cannot separate you from the moment. It is yours to share with only one. Together, nothing else exists.

And so, if, God forbid, today was the day that I was to meet my maker, I would be able to confidently walk forward to Him. I would be able to declare that my life, was worth it all. No regrets. The heartbreaks, although awful to experience, are a direct result of the fact that I have loved and trusted another. They are the reminders of something shared in intimacy.

Life, and people change. They move on, grow apart, are separated by death, divorce or necessity.Some work it out, prosper, and reconnect. We must remember that People fail. But once over the initial response, we need to stop and look at WHY we get so upset. It is because we have experienced pure love, and we just don't ever want to give it up. Yes, others fail us, but WE fail them as well. It is inevitable.

It saddens me to think that change occurs, but I still jump in with both feet, blind and bound, because the rewards are so much greater than the risks. Oh, and one last thing, those careless words that we have all heard, are sometimes the cause of even greater love to occur. Sometimes, those hurts lead you in a new direction, that bring you closer, teach you to appreciate, and lead you to discover a whole new reality.

My life is good.

With a new beginning, comes a rediscovery

Have you ever noticed how, when one thing ends, another just begins?

I'm scheduled for a Hysterectomy on April 23rd. I am very scared, but have to admit that the idea of continuing with the constant pain that I have now, is even more frightening.
My life, for the last several years, seems to have been one issue after another. Depression, pain, discomfort, fear, anxiety, and a whole bunch of other stressful, and life changing situations.

As a result of all of this, I cannot say that I have been "at my best" for a long, long time. Yet, today, I am encouraged. Let me tell ya why.

In two weeks, I will have surgery, then spend time recovering. I am going to take that time to recover from the procedure. I am also going to take the time, to recover from the last few years.

Somewhere, along the way, I lost myself. I miss the "old" Chantal. The carefree, independent and strong women I once was. I was always energetic, almost to annoyance. I loved to laugh and play. I loved people. Yes, I was a flirt too. Man, I miss those days.

Today, I am looking forward to rediscovering her. I do not plan to stay in this state of ill health. I hate feeling weak, unable to do things. I despise the idea that I am holding others back. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, confident of my own strength.

So here are my post surgery plans:
I will be going back to the gym. I plan on keeping myself healthy

I want to jump out of a plane. Why? Well, because I saw my best friend take the plunge, and have to admit I admire her so much for it. She made it look amazing, and made me realize that I too need to shake things up in my life

I am going to do cartwheels. Ok, so I probably will not be graceful, but who cares

I am going to climb a rock wall, to prove to myself that I can do it again.

I am also going to take chances, to let people know that I love them, and appreciate them every single day.

I am going to laugh, hopefully so hard, that I tear up. Life is far too short to stop playing.

I am going to love, because I believe that even if there is pain, I would rather spend my life having known and experienced love, than to spend the rest of my life afraid of getting hurt.

I will do my best to stop worrying, and to enjoy the moment. Let's face it, it's all we have.

I guess the "old" Chantal is already starting to return.

Yeaaaa me!

Been awhile.....

Yes, it has been a while, some things have changed, and some haven't. Still me, still cry for no reason, and still love a good laugh. I wanted to post incredible words of wisdom here, but to be honest, someone has already said it for me. Yeah, accuse me of cutting and pasting, but hey, if the word fits........
I stumbled upon this just a few seconds ago and it perfectly describes what has been swirling in my head . The only difference between this and me, is that the author had found resolution, I was still in the thinking stage. Yup, got kicked in the ass. You can read it here or see it for yourself at

http://etresoi.ch/Denis/badthings.html

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

Actually there is a book by the name "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." No one here has read it. Of course, we don't need to, because we already know why:

There is no such thing as Justice

It is an illusion. A myth. A fairy tale. Life really isn't fair. The question is, why do you think it's supposed to be? Who started that idea? Job? The people who tried to put a good face on beating people up by inventing the Queensbury Rules? I don't know.

Justice sounds like a good idea because it sort of equalizes the pain. I get hurt, so you get hurt in return. Well there's more ocean than land, more mice than mouse traps, and more salesmen than prophets. Things just aren't meant to be equal. Suffering and happiness are not weights in a cosmic scale of blind justice. The relative proportions are completely unpredictable.

Tragedy may be unequal, but it isn't random. Yes, there is a meaning. Bad things usually happen to forcefully slap us out of whatever stupor we are in at the time. We are supposed to start questioning our beliefs. We are supposed to figure out what is and what is not important to us. People usually don't change unless they feel sufficient pain to overcome their natural resistance to change. Change takes energy. Nothing energizes like tragedy. What suffering is usually supposed to encourage us to do is figure out how to avoid suffering in the future. Learn what happy people do and imitate them

If tragedy seems random and cruel now, it isn't. You're just not wanting to look at the facts.

Of course, if people don't get the hint and continue to imitate deer staring into the headlights of destiny, well, that's their lookout. Do not get mad at me/God/the universe. Do what you're supposed to do, pick your ass up off the ground and try again. Nobody likes a crybaby.

You can't get out of it by going limp and giving up. That usually makes it worse. Athletes must tolerate a certain level of pain to reach their goals. You are no different.

As for the injustice of loved ones getting killed, etc., that has its own purpose. Don't ask unanswerable questions about other people; you've got enough to worry about with your own situation. If you get tragically killed, then you'll understand. Until then, forget it.

I have been criticized about the callous nature of this page. For people who have recently lost family members, etc., this little diatribe can sting. However, the message is still true even for them. Life is very unfair, but like chemotherapy, it does the job.

Landon johannes Holladay

I sit here, knowing that I should be asleep, but unable to do so.

We have a beautiful new addition to our family. Landon Johannes Holladay was born at 5:33pm on November 14th, 2008. He weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces. He is gorgeous. Mom and Dad are doing so well.

When we were waiting for his arrival, I was so excited. I could not wait to meet him. Now that he is here, I am in awe. The last time I felt emotion this strong, was when my Josh was born.

I am so proud of my little girl. She was nervous, but she went through it all with a grace and determination that surprised me. She was dilated by 7cm before we even got to the hospital. She laughed and joked around, but then again, Angela is always able to make me laugh.

I'll admit it openly ( because I know that everyone would just mock me if I said otherwise ) but I cried the minute I saw his little head. Wept is probably more like it - lol!

Ohhh, the sneeze. He let out his first little sneeze as I was gazing upon him. More tears and laughter.

Let me just say this, Landon, you are loved. Your family extends not only to those closest to you, but you have a community of people who will be there. The hospital was full of people just waiting to meet you. Not quite sure how the other families, nurses, and doctor's felt about it, but who cares. When we look back over this day, we will laugh, and remember that we started breaking rules for you, before you were 3 hours old. Only 2 at a time, yeah, that didn't work.
I was yelled at by a nurse, because apparently, I was not allowed to leave the room with you. But Grandpa, and Uncle Warrior were waiting to see you. Uncle Rob, and Uncle Scott, snuck in.
Aunt Heather and auntie Christina were already in the room. Aunt Jen was there the whole time.

As you start you new and exciting life, just remember that you will never ever be alone. There are far too many people who love you, to protect you, and to hold you.
As your Grandma ( Nana, Oma, Grand-mama - whatever you decide ) I will spoil you, yet also be there to help show you the way.

Your parents are wonderful. Wait, and you will see! today you will meet your Uncle Josh, who I am sure will become your greatest fan.

Landon, I promise to teach you about God, so that you may grow up knowing in your heart that he is there, and that he loves you!

Now rest little man, for you have a wonderful journey ahead of you!

Love you

The frog was green.

I can remember it as clear as yesterday. We were both sitting on the bed together, just enjoying each others company. All of a sudden, he started telling me, with excitement in his voice, all about the frog that he had seen. He and his Dad had gone for a walk together by the River. The dogs were running around all over the place, it would seem, when he spotted it. This Big, Green Frog.
Oh the excitement in his eyes, as he began to re-tell the whole story so that I could share.
I sat there in complete and total awe. I realized at that very moment, that I was actually having a conversation with him, My boy, My Josh! He was just a baby, and yet, I am having a conversation with him.

He must have been 2 & 1/2 or 3 at that time. Yesterday, he turned 16. Gone are the days of frogs, and riding his bicycle in the living room. He is all grown up, and as such, the spinning wheel of the "price is right" , or doing a little jig with the Fresh Prince of Belair, are simply memories in my mind.

When did it happen ? Where did the time go?

Now, let me tell you a little about Josh today, He is completely obsessed with 3 things, his bicycle ( he has always loved anything on wheels - even rollerskating at 1 year old - yes I have pictures to prove it ) 2) his computer, I am sure that he will be the first volunteer for some sort of implant - lol and 3) Guitar Hero - that is a little like his Mom, he does like games. This is what he does.

This is who Josh is: He is an incredible loving individual, he is strong, yet sensitive, and trustworthy. His laughter, makes me melt, for it reminds me of just how much I love him. Josh has a sarcastic side, that makes me bust a gut. Yeah, I know that I shouldn't laugh, but I just can't help it. He is funny. The boy has a mind, and character all of his own. he is the type of individual who captivates a room, not because he does anything special, but because he is Special. My Boy, My Son, is cool. He doesn't fit in anywhere, but he fits in everywhere.
He finds good in everything, and is still willing to give his old Mom a hug from time to time.

Ok, I'll admit it. the boy has me wrapped around his little finger. He bats his Baby Blues, and I cave. But let me add just one more thing. He was a gift to me. More important than all that I have. I would give anything for Josh, My child. I would rather be accused of loving the man that he has become too much, than to look back and wonder if I should have done more.

I am proud of my son. Of who he is, and for what he will acheive. The Funny thing is, just like the very first conversation I ever had with him, I still sit and listen with awe.
He may have outgrown the training wheels, and sippy cups, but I still look forward to each and everyday with him. Josh was and continues to be the greatest gift God has given me.
I love my Boy.

New beginnings and new endings

Yes, I know that it has been a while. Let's just say that I have been busy.
It would appear that I have something called Adenomyosis. Basically it is a mass inside my uterine wall. I have to admit that it has been a very difficult, and painful process to find out. both physically and emotionally. I've had to fight just to be seen by doctors, gone for tests at the wee hours of the morning, and I am still waiting for more.
Not been a fun place for me the last 2 months.
Saying that, I have been gifted a new found strength. I am not letting it affect me in the same way that I would have in the past. Imagine, a life without depressive feelings. The one thing I realized recently, is that I am no longer depressed. What a feeling. It is so amazing, so wonderful, and if I am lucky, permanent too.
I don't hold to that though. I'm not sure when the dark will return, but today, I am free.
I do have so much to be grateful for. Yes, only a few more weeks until I become a GRANDMA. My daughter is patiently waiting too. My Son will be 16 really soon. When did he grow up?
So much life going on, so many new beginnings.
Hysterectomy, well at this point, I would welcome it with open arms. I'm ready, at 39, to watch my grown children take on their lives. I am blessed, because I am still so young, that I can do everything, and yet old enough to be able to enjoy every accomplishment that my kids experience. I love watching them. They teach me so much.
My time to have children is over. I've known that for a very long time. I am ready to be Grandma, I am ready to be the youngest grandma that some of you know. I am also ready to be the coolest grandma out there!
Adenomyosis, it is painful. VERY painful. It is stopping me from living life to the fullest right now. the cure, is right in front of me. Now it is simply a matter of convincing the Hospitals to do surgery. With my family doctor's help ( and yes, he is a very good doctor ), I'll get there soon enough.
Until then, I think I'll just try and remember how blessed I am.

When the voices are not heard

The last few visits I have had with my sister Joanne were quite interesting. She has had her surgery for gallstones. When my Mother and I looked at her, we could tell instantly there was something wrong. Joanne was lethargic, and not acting as her usual self. She did manage to get me into a rather good headlock hug, but otherwise, we could tell she was in pain. The infirmary staff dismissed our concerns, once again, because Jo does not show pain the same way that we do. She does not cry, nor make a sound. Difficult to read her, but once you have spent anytime with her, you just know. Maybe it's the mother in me, but I know my sis, and can read the discomfort.

It was not until a regular staff member saw Jo, that they decided to do something. Off for an X-ray, and then they discovered that her hip was broken. The assumption now is that it broke during the surgery, while they were moving her. So, long story short, Joanne has been suffering for several weeks. When they called the Kingston hospital to advise them they were coming, the emergency room advised those caring for my sister to wait, because she would not be taken care of for several hours, or possibly days. Now, there is a battle to determine which hospital will serve her. Ottawa or Kingston, we will find out tomorrow. Neither one wants to do it. Another night of pain for Jo, all because of her handicap. Let me ask this! What would you do if you broke a bone? Would you accept hearing " Don't come today, we are busy"?

My sister's story, unfortunately, is a common one. Hard to believe in this day and age, that there is stigma, and biases against certain medical conditions. Take mental health as an example. Every single one of us has been affected by some sort of mental health issues. Depression, mania, schizophrenia, anxiety, and the list goes on and on. It is something that we all pity, or minimize. "Oh, chin up, you'll feel better in the morning!" Have you said that to someone, or even worse, have you heard it from the ones that you love?

Each and every day, we come across people that will affect us in some way. the vagrant on the street talking to himself, the drug addict who is simply trying to stop the noises in her head. Generally, we cross the street, don't we? Our child becomes aggressive, and we can't figure out why. When a love one commits suicide, we are left to figure out what went wrong. It makes no sense. WHY DIDN'T THEY GET HELP?

Let me tell you why? The help, it's not always there. We can fool ourselves into thinking that there are supports out there to meet the needs of everyone who is suffering, but the reality is, we fall short, very short, of having that be a reality.

Many people do not have a voice. Joanne cannot speak, therefore she relies on us to figure it out. Someone suffering form a mental illness, whether they know it or not, also needs someone to speak for them. Someone needs to care, to learn and understand who these people are, so that they can identify changes in behaviors, in attitudes.

The Royal Ottawa Hospital has come out with this incredible campaign to raise funds for their programs. Daniel Alfredson is the face to the campaign. his sister suffers from a mental illness. I strongly encourage all of you to check out the website:

http://www.youknowwhoiam.com/

Raise your voice for those who do not have one. Do not fear these people, try to understand and love them. No matter how hard it can be. As a christian I am supposed to love others, Just as Christ loves me. Our example, Jesus Christ, DIED For US! He did not come hear to teach a select few, he came to heal us all. We are all chosen by God, but those of us who accept him as our Savior have an extra responsibility to stand for those who cannot stand for themselves. We should not judge or fear.

Perhaps there is something that you can do in your community. Maybe, just Maybe, it's as simple as a smile to the stranger in front of you. Who knows, that smile may have just saved a life! Remember, they are all human beings, and most of them just want to be "normal". Living in pain, is not living. Being loved, for who they are, is abundance.

Jo's hip will be taken care of, let's make sure that others also get the care, love and support services they need. Let's face it, that person may very well be you. Do something.....